Inside: I am no longer afraid of being imperfect or less-than and more afraid of missing my life because I am constantly wishing it away. When I embrace my mediocrity I find calm, here in the space of in-between.
I am mediocre and choose to be at peace with that.
People have argued vehemently against this idea – they don’t agree, they don’t believe this to be true about me, they feel like it is a disparaging comment. But I get to define who I am and I am the expert on me.
Accepting the truth that I am ok, exactly, precisely, as I am, is healing. I am messy and imperfect and also enough.
I was an honour student, travelled some, and along with my husband, I’ve built a beautiful, messy family. I’ve been courageous, and trustworthy, and somehow helped hand-craft a life I am profoundly grateful for.
But I’ve never been the best or remarkable at anything; I’m not actually a competitive person at all. I’ve lived with a vicious inner critic who constantly pointed out all my flaws and failings and all the ways I’ve fallen short. I have struggled deeply and wrestled hard; I’ve felt broken, and I have never felt that life was easy.
So I stopped trying to measure up or keep up with my own impossible standards and I found calm.
And I really like it here.
I find calm in the space of in-between.
I like that I no longer abuse my body or my soul, that I find joy in each ordinary day. I love that the day I finally decided I was good enough, imperfect but also beautiful, all the ugly shame I carried fell away. I like that every day I choose to show up imperfectly and love my family and make simple food and do the work that lights me up.
And it is ok that I am not the best at anything (and I don’t care about being “the best” at anything). I am often simply bumbling along, making mistakes, enjoying the journey. Showing up.
I am so much healthier now that I care far less about what others think of me or about jumping through their hoops. I have learned to rest and see the fuller, more honest truth about who I am. And I like what I see.
Daily, I find calm here, in the space of in-between.
I like to learn and work and require a learning curve in my life to feel at my best. I think we are all knit together with gifts to offer the world. But I don’t want to hustle, I am not joining your race, I will not compete with you.
But I will show up consistently, slow and steady, compassionately stepping through perfectionism, comparison, and fear to simply offer my small gifts to the world.
I am no longer afraid of being imperfect or less-than and more afraid of missing my imperfect life by constantly wishing it away.
I will not carry shame, my worth is not found in what I own or in how I look, I am uninterested in pleasing you. I don’t have all the answers and sometimes ride on highs and lows, and I’ve learned to loosen my grip in order to live open to joyful possibility.
And it’s mostly calm here.
I wanted life to be all black and white but instead, I have found grace in the land of grey. In curiosity, and erring on the side of compassion, and believing in mystery. In loving evidence and science and also believing that we only see in part.
I am ok here.
Before, when I was perpetually striving to become a better version of myself (rather than my truer self), I never tasted joy. I was afraid to be happy because I knew that life couldn’t stay peaceful for long. But once I embraced my joyful mediocrity – once I decided that my simple, imperfect life is more than enough – I opened myself up to it all. To the joy and the sorrow, the hard days and all of the incredible gifts that await us each day if only we will open our eyes to see.
I understand that I am not a failure because I have struggled with anxiety and depression and not always understood how I fit into this world. Instead, what I see is incredible strength and stubbornness and deeply rooted compassion that calls me to love with my voice and share what I know, and encourage you to love yourself too. And let that be enough.
It is enough.
And I find restorative calm in the space of in-between.
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